Moving On

My deepest apologies for disappearing for so long, it wasn't something I had a great deal of control over until now.

I hope those of you who used to read me can forgive me.

I have decided to pick up the pen...errr.... keyboard?!, again. But not here.

Bear In A Box is buried, may it rest in peace.

I need to Move On.

(Click the link to find my new home).

Broken

Well, that makes it official, I've lost everything. My job, my desire to keep writing, the man I love. Maybe tomorrow will bring a new and better day, for now, I'm officially retired. Thanks everyone for your support, take care of yourselves. I'll be OK, I just need time to find myself.

Yuletide Cheer

Hello friends!

Sorry for taking so long in getting back to you all. Happy Yule! Today is indeed the longest night of the year, the winter solstice (technically that might have been last night, but we always celebrate it on the 21st).

So, let's get that big lump of coal that got shoved down my stocking out of the way and let me say that I'm going back to the temp agency that found me the job at house of mouse in the first place, and guess where they have a lot of orders to fill huh? Can you guess? Uh-huh, my reaction exactly. But you know, as long as I'm not placed in Corporate legal I'd go back, who knows, maybe it will lead to me getting hired to a job I'd actually like at the big D?

And what did Santa already bring me? A hot teddy bear of my very own! Yeah, things are going well with G. We've been seeing a lot of each other lately and we're progressing nicely. And yes, I'll be spending Christmas with him and I'm looking very much forward to it.

These last two weeks have been hard for me, working the job search thing, realizing that I'd be getting just enough money from unemployment to cover my rent and a couple loaves of bread a month sort of put a fire underneath me to get back to the temp agency, at least there I can afford to buy some cheese to go along with that bread.

Job prospects otherwise are sort of limited at the moment as one would imagine right before X-mas and New Year's.

But you know what, I'm out of a stressful working condition, I'm looking forward to temping again, meeting new people and learning new skills, I've got an incredibly beautiful man who I get to spend time with and talk to every day, and the sun's strength is coming back, and so is mine!

Happy Yule, and blessed be!

Where Do We Go From Here?

Today my boss decided to give me an early Christmas present, that's how I'm looking at it anyway. The present? I no longer had to work for her. In fact I no longer had to work for Corporate Legal as the intellectual properties, trademarks senior clerk. In fact! I no longer had to work for Disney! Even if I wanted to!

I was fired.

It seems that Elphaba, who had it in for me, decided that she'd find any excuse possible to terminate me. She went back into the overtime I worked, claimed that there were three days that she did not approve, definitely a lie, and where they could find no evidence that I had worked those days since I didn't actually sign on to my computer. These days were two days in September and one at the beginning of November.

The November day was my error, I had indeed planned on going in and didn't make it, recording the time earlier in the week I was pretty sure I had taken it out of the system the following Monday, apparently not.

The other two days though I'm positive I was there, I even have a handwritten note on my calendar at work that I indeed worked until noon that day. But apparently my word that I was either making copies of registration certificates, a duty that is terribly time consuming and utilizes not one ounce of computer time, or checking over and/or processing files that didn't require me to log onto my computer is beyond them and so therefore I'm no longer an employee of The Walt Disney Company.

I talked to my friend Nora who worked with me there about it, she smells something fishy about the situation too. She says she knows that other people have made similar errors and they just tell them to fix it and the money comes out of their next paycheck, but me? I lose my job, I'm sure the two, unsigned by the way, disciplinary actions in my file written by Elphaba sealed my fate.

I also spoke to G, he was very supportive of the situation, I'll be claiming unemployment and looking for a new job shortly, it's a terrible time to find something, these people are truly heartless in my opinion, I can't help but to think that this is all probably for the best anyway.

Though this does put a huge damper on my gift buying this year, which really sucks, I was hoping to be able to provide a good Yule this year, it also negates the approval of my auto loan I received earlier this week as I no longer have a job.

Well, here I am again, saying that familiar old phrase "only time will tell", and, what will hopefully not become a familiar old phrase...

Merry fucking Christmas to me.

Only Time Will Tell

I keep hearing myself say this phrase a lot lately. Mostly in reference to G. We had a nice talk on Friday night, discussing the concerns we had in building a relationship between us and then went to dinner, he dropped me back home late in the evening, on Sunday. Ahem, so anyway, things are alright for the moment. He respects my feelings for me and seems genuine in his desire to explore his feelings for me, there's not much more that I could reasonably ask for.

A rather strange thing happened last week after posting my thoughts on the film Birth and recounting the dreams that came of it. My 2nd cousin, Dominique, left me a comment, surprised the hell out of me, I have to say, but I've emailed her and made contact. We'll see what comes of this, she's 16 now and I haven't seen her in 8 years. She's not really aware of all the bad blood between my family and I, how everyone seemed determined to either push me into a heterosexual lifestyle or silence me. I came out to my grandmother just before she died and she wrote me back, effectively saying that she loved me no matter what I was, I was thankful she got to know the real me before she passed.

I've one brother who threatened to kill me and another who abused me for 3 years, parents who are indifferent to me inside a tight knit family that my bruised heart from years ago wouldn't find much sympathy in I'm afraid, even Dominique confesses to hating me for years on her own blog, probably because I've not seen much of them in eight years.

She's bisexual too, so that explains why she feels a little more connected to me than the rest of my family, if she's out to her parents I'm not sure how they're taking that, but with a step grandfather from New York and a grandmother like my Aunt Venda, I think she's in a better place than I certainly was, I think my Aunt always knew about me, she always treated me with kindness and respect, she was my favorite, she never judged me when the rest silently, or not so silently, did or so it seemed.

I probably won't be writing a lot about my feelings for G much, oh I'll of course talk about him and the things we do together on occasion, but as far as feelings go, he knows how I feel about him now and I need to give him the space to figure out how he feels about me.

I think I screwed up while talking to him in the car the other day though. I was honestly curious to know what traditions they had for Christmas, if they made dinner at their house and invited people or if they went elsewhere, what day they opened presents and such, but when I opened my fat mouth to ask what they were doing for Christmas it came out just like that "So, what are you guys doing for Christmas" with almost a subconscious query of "and am I invited?"

Inviting yourself anywhere is not endearing, and although G said I would be welcome to join them, it almost sounded like a begrudged invitation, which I seemingly asked for, not sexy, not sexy at all. So now I feel slightly stupid making myself sound like I was fishing for an invitation when, although hoping for one down the line, I really didn't mean for it to come out the way it did, I can tell you this, my foot is not tasty, I should know after having to take it out of my mouth.

Oy! The holidays should be easier than all of this!

Birth

So, after a nice, lengthy phone conversation with G last night, I watched this very strange film last night called “Birth”. I don’t know if any of you remember the controversy over this indie film with its bathtub scene between Nicole Kidman and her 10 year old co-star. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal outside of the inherent creepiness factor of the scene, which was intentional.

If you haven’t seen this movie its basic premise is that Anna (Ms. Kidman) is visited by a ten year old boy, Sean, who claims to be her husband who collapsed and died ten years ago, the reincarnation of him at least. It’s a well done movie outside of the few far-too-long long shots, but the basic premise brings up some pretty deep questions, what would you do if you had a lover who you loved so deeply that you never forgot them, then (we’ll go with a less creepy, and less NAMBLA equation) 20 years later you meet a young man who claims he’s your dead lover, he remembers things about your life together that no one but you and your dead partner would know, what would you do?

So after watching the movie, I fell asleep and dreamed about this film. Now, you’d think that my mind would end up playing out something between me and G, or even me and dead John since he’s actually, you know, dead; but no, it played out that it was my mother who was reconnecting with a long dead love and didn’t know what to do.

My mother, and I was comforting her, evidently I still have some issues with my family. I was telling her that it was ok, she wasn’t crazy and that she should follow her heart above all things, oh, wait, maybe that was some me and G issues being played out… hmmm... still, I think I wish my mother would have said to me to follow my heart and not to be ashamed a long time ago, something I still wish she would say. Funny, I’ve never felt excepted by my family and yet in the dream not only did I feel excepted I felt like they needed me, I have to admit, it was a nice feeling.

Note: I forgot to mention earlier that I posted over at Gay Men Rule yesterday as well, but I think you might have to scroll down a way to find it now.

Hope For New Beginnings

G called tonight, we had a pretty good talk, neither one of us ready to end the conversation quickly. We're meeting Friday to talk and he asked me to be his date (at least I'm pretty sure that's what he asked) Saturday night at the holiday event for BearsLA, the naughty Santa night at Piston's. Of course, G is naughty Santa... so will that make me an elf?

Anyway, we're talking, openly and honestly. A very good place to start... no I'm not about to break out into The Sound Of Music, so you can stop right there!

Friday will hopefully be a time where we lay the groundwork for a healthier foundation and we can move on together into figuring out exactly how deep our feelings go.

Best part was, he really did miss me in Palm Springs, HELL yeah!

(OK, yeah, even I'm noticing the slightly giddy nature of this post, leave me alone alright, or don't actually, you guys helped carry me through this all, thanks everyone, I'm not sure I could have been as strong as I was without you! Big love to you all!)

No Closure

My apologies for not writing, it's been difficult to concentrate on much of anything this past week trying to figure things out and waiting to move on.

G and I have been emailing each other, he says he still has feelings for me, that he missed me while he was in Palm Springs. I'm not sure what to say, so I wait to hear from him and his decision about what to do about us.

G's a little scared, but he doesn't handle that fear very well apparently, that's why he decided to end things with me, he figured out that I loved him before I even told him and he didn't know how to handle that.

I do love him, but I'm concerned now, I want him in my life but if he could so easily hurt me as deep as he did this time what does that say about the future for us? If we decide to give it another go part of me will always be waiting for another hammer to fall, and yet, part of me is willing to take that risk if it means having more time with him.

So I wait, I wait to hear whether we're moving on with us, or if I'm moving on alone.

I know some of you will balk at the idea, I've been told already, 'don't go back', but I've always followed my heart, and perhaps my heart's a fool, but I'll still listen to it, and wait.